The Lower Strangling Chronicles
When Noah Campbell, CEO of Britain’s leading technology company, sent an email to all his colleagues alerting them to the sandwich lunch later, he shattered Dave Peterson’s dreams of having a quiet walk through the City of London and a simple meal in the local Pret-a-Manger.
Banana was trying to negotiate a business merger with a smaller rival company, Jeff’s Mobile Phones, currently based in a small cottage in the Cornish village of St Mawes.
Whilst Jeff’s Mobile Phone was nothing more than a minuscule Goldfish, Banana was a gigantic Blue Whale hungry for a tasty morsel. But Jeff Evan’s wouldn’t make it too easy for Noah Campbell to gobble him up.
Dave ambled along a large table filled with unappetising small sandwiches cut into small triangles, clutching a cheap paper plate.
“Looks like Noah wants us to play Dietary Roulette,” he said, noting that none of the sandwiches was labelled, meaning there was no way to discern which ones were vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, dairy-free, or whatever other dietary requirements the people at the meeting had.
”I wouldn’t worry about it, mate,” Liam Davies, Dave’s colleague, said. “I’m sure Noah just thinks people know what they eat looks like.”
Dave placed a few sandwiches on his plate. “The daughter of our village publican would have a fit if she saw this,” he said.
”Bit of a devout vegan, is she?” Liam said, piling his plate with sandwiches and nibbles.
”That’s putting it lightly,” Dave said, walking to the main table.
Dave’s plate bucked under the weight of the food atop it.
”I would’ve thought Noah had enough money to supply us with ceramic plates,” Dave said as he sat at the table.
“Probably wants Jeff to think he’s a normal working bloke rather than one of the richest men in England,” Liam said.
”Maybe,” Dave said. “Not sure how that would help with this merger, though.”
Liam laughed. “Yeah.”
Noah’s employees silently sat around the table eating lunch while Noah negotiated with Jeff.
“I thought we’d own fifty per cent of the business each and rename the company Jeff and Noah’s Electronic Devices. We could transfer some of our employees between this tower and my cottage,” Jeff said.
“I wouldn’t mind relocating to Cornwall,” Giles Richardson, one of Noah’s subordinates, said.
Noah chuckled to himself, his grin almost sinister.
”It is charming that you believe we have equal stakes in this merger,” Noah said. “But as you can see, I have the upper hand.”
Noah gestured to their huge board room, with glass walls and glorious three-hundred-and-sixty-degree views of the London skyline.
He moved his chair closer to Jeff and turned the monitor on his eJohnson computer.
”In light of this, I propose-“ Noah began before everything shut off and descended into darkness.
Noah and Jeff’s employees looked around in panic, talking amongst themselves.
“What’s just happened?” Liam asked.
”There appears to be a power cut,” Noah said. “One of you check the boiler room, could you?”
Dave leapt out of his chair.
”I’ll do it if you want,” Dave said.
“Thank you, Dave,” Noah said. “I’ll remember to pay a bonus into your account this evening.”
Dave rushed out of the boardroom and began his thirty-seven-floor descent.
” Fortunately for you, I’ve printed out my proposal,” Jeff said, removing a couple of sheets of paper and sliding one towards Noah.
”All you need to do is sign it, and I will leave, taking half your workforce with me. Half of mine will stay here.”
Noah looked at Jeff aghast.
”You’ve certainly prepared for all eventualities, haven’t you?” Noah said. “It’s almost as if you knew there was going to be a power cut.”
Jeff laughed.
”A power cut is a reasonably likely scenario, wouldn’t you say?” Jeff said. “I didn’t deliberately cause a power cut if that’s what you think.”
A rather hurried man in a suit rushed into the boardroom.
”Sorry I’m late,” he said. “Awful traffic.”
”It’s OK, mate,” Jeff said. “You haven’t missed much.”
The man’s face lit up when he saw what remained of the buffet.
”Ooh, food,” he said, reaching the table and helping himself to the sandwiches.
Jeff took two pens out of his pocket and clicked them.
He gave one to Noah.
“Lucky the sun’s out,” Jeff said. “There’s enough light to see the dotted line you must sign.”
Noah picked up the pen, moved the contract closer to him, and prepared to sign.
His hand shook over the paper, and sweat appeared on his forehead.
Jeff smiled maliciously.
After a moment, Noah ripped his form into several tiny pieces of paper.
“No!” Noah said. “I refuse to sign. You’ve deliberately sabotaged this merger.”
Jeff cackled. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“You knew full well that the only way this merger would go in your favour is if you played dirty,” Noah said.
Jeff reclined in his easy chair. “This power cut has nothing to do with me. I’ve been up here, haven’t I?”
”Indeed,” Noah said. “But your tardy employee wasn’t.”
Noah’s subordinates eyed the latecomer, who was stuffing his face with Tuna sandwiches.
“He already said he was late because of the traffic,” Jeff said.
”If he was telling the truth,” Noah said. “He could also have been in the boiler room, then come up here once he’d caused the power cut.”
Jeff chittered.
”You’re very paranoid for a multi-millionaire, aren’t you?” Jeff said.
Dave valiantly barged into the room, out of breath.
“Somebody’s cut the wire to the fuse box,” Dave said.
The gasp equivalent of a Mexican wave filled the room.
”That settles it,” Noah said.
”Your technician may very well be lying to defame me,” Jeff said.
”My photo says otherwise,” Dave said, walking over to Noah and showing him the picture he took on his eThompson.
”That looks a lot like cut cables,” Noah said, showing the photo to his rival. “What’s your opinion on the matter?”
Jeff scrutinised the photo in front of him.
”That could easily have been photoshopped,” Jeff said.
The echo of something hitting the floor filled the room.
A pair of wire cutters had fallen out of the delinquent employee’s pocket as he took his phone out.
Giles picked them up and held them aloft.
“Those could have been planted in his pocket,” Jeff said.
Noah looked at his opponent, his eyes icy and his arms crossed.
”I think we’ve heard enough from you today,” Noah said. “Liam, take his form to the shredder.”
”With pleasure, boss,” Liam said, snatching the sheet of paper before Jeff and marching away with it.
Noah clicked to two more of his employees, who handed over a couple of eRichardson tablets.
”Because of your antics during the meeting,” Noah said. “We will be agreeing to my proposal.”
Jeff looked at his tablet, which was open on the PDF he had to sign.
”I own one hundred per cent of the company, which will still be called Banana,” Noah said. “All your staff, including you, will work for me.”
Jeff’s body stiffened as his skin turned pale.
“What about the cottage?” Jeff said.
”That will still be yours,” Noah said. “I’m not going to oust you out of your home.”
Jeff relaxed slightly.
”But it will be an offshoot from Banana. My employees will be based there whenever they feel like a Cornish getaway, and I will visit from time to time as my mansion is only across the Helford River,” Noah said.
Jeff sighed, his shoulders slumped.
”I guess I deserve it,” Jeff said, signing the form with his finger and tapping “done.”
Noah did the same with his form.
”Well, Jeff, it was a pleasure doing business with you,” Noah said, holding Jeff’s hand.
Jeff sheepishly shook it.
”Right, let’s go, lads,” Jeff said.
Jeff and his colleagues exited their seats and left the board room.
Noah waved them off. “Bye-bye, for now.”
Eventually, Noah and the original Banana staff members were alone in the room.
”Right, back to your offices, everyone, Noah said. “Feel free to take the remaining sandwiches home at the end of the day.”
As the technicians returned to their offices, Giles went to his manager.
”I hope today has made you realise the importance of not being entirely paperless,” Giles said. “As I’ve been saying for a while now.”
”I suppose so, yes,” Noah said. “But we’ll survive; most of our devices are battery-powered.”
”True, true,” Giles said as he retreated to his office.
Once alone, Noah helped himself to the few sandwiches and went to his office.
When Dave Peterson returned to his office, he sighed with relief. The following day, he looked forward to having a simple lunch at his favourite Pret-A-Manger branch.
The Robinsonverse 