The Lower Strangling Chronicles
It was a pleasant Sunday morning in October, and the congregation of St Gerald the Damned packed the church.
Of course, they usually packed St Gerald, as most of the residents of Lower Strangling were Christian and it was popular with people living nearby, but today was different, as today a baptism was being held.
The family of Wilfred and Winnifred Thompson (aged 5 and 8 respectively) gathered around the baptismal font at the front of the church, the last remnant of the 11th Century church remaining.
Simon was usually reluctant to do infant baptism, as he believed you should be old enough to actually know what you’re getting yourself into by being baptised, but on this occasion he relented as the family had offered to pay a considerably large donation to the church.
The baptism started out fairly well, with Simon asking the family whether they will follow Jesus and reject Satan to which they replied yes, followed by Simon asking the congregation whether they were going to support these children who none of them will probably see again to which they replied yes.
Wilfred and Winnifred did not complain when Simon drew the sign of the cross on their heads with oil and poured holy water from the font over them.
Then came the bit that Simon was dreading; handing out the lit candles.
At first, all seemed well when Simon gave the parents of the two children the candles. But as Simon continued the service, Wilfred pushed the candle out of his father’s hand, making Simon’s worst fear a reality.
There was an audible gasp from the congregation as the lit candle fell towards the wooden dais.
“Oh, no!” Simon said before quickly filling a jug with holy water from the font and pouring some water onto the falling candle.
Fortunately, the water put out the candle before it hit the dais, but soaked Wilfred, Winnifred, and their parents and godparents. Simon looked at the Thompsons in shock and horror. Wilfred and Winnifred were crying, and the rest of the family were clearly not best pleased with being doused in holy water themselves.
“I’m- I’m so sorry.” Simon said. “I had to act fast. The church would have gone up in flames had I not acted quickly.”
The Thompsons merely grumbled, and Simon continued the service, trying to forget that incident ever happened.
The rest of the service went without a hitch. Simon’s sermon was wonderful as usual, and the hymns were reasonably good. That, however, did not stop the Thompsons from being in a sour mood throughout.
“Well, that was certainly a baptism to remember.” Dave said to John outside the church, as they both watch Simon talk to the disgruntled baptism party.
“Yeah. I just dread to think what will come of the donation.” John said.
“You never know, they might still be feeling generous.” Dave said.
After a while, the Thompsons stomped off back to their cars and Simon slowly walked towards John and Dave.
“Well?” John said.
“No luck. They will not donate to the church after all. In fact, they are never coming here again.” Simon said.
“Was there ever a chance of them coming back?” John said. “I didn’t think they were church goers.”
“They’re not.” Simon said. “But they may have come again every once in a while, just for the ambiance.”
“I guess so.” John said.
“But oh well,” Simon said. “Wilfred and Winnifred will probably grow up to become rabid atheists who resent their parents for getting them baptised.”
“Don’t be like that.” Dave said. “They may come through.”
“Or they may not.” Simon said. “That’s why I prefer adult baptism. At least then you know the person concerned actually wants to turn to Christ, rather than their parents just wanting them to be baptised just in case they end up in hell if they don’t.”
“I guess so.” Dave said.
“Right. How about we have a pint?” John said.
“That would be great, thanks.” Simon said.
And with that, Simon, Dave, John, and the rest of the congregation went over to the Hangman’s Noose for a pint.
“So, we’re not getting the £1,000,000 donation they promised us.” Robert said. “What do we do now?”
“Do what we always do, ask for donations.” Simon said. “We could also hold a special fete for church funds.”
“I guess that could work.” Robert said.
“But anyhow, we’re not in desperate need of donations,” Simon said. “I just thought a £1, 000, 000 boost would have been nice.”
“Indeed.” Robert said.
“To be honest, I doubt they were even going to donate to the church if you hadn’t soaked them with holy water,” Dave said. “They probably just said that to get you to baptise their children.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Simon said.
“Ok. Let’s forget about what happened and move on with our day.” John said.
“That’s sounds like a good idea.” Simon said. “I’ll have another pint.
And with that, the congregation of St Gerald the Damned continued on with their day, and no one mentioned the baptism from hell ever again.
The Robinsonverse 